Melt Down
**This was written on Friday. It was therapeutic at the time. I decided to share it on here so that another foster mom might come along and tell me I’m not crazy. OR, maybe another foster mom will relate and feel validated for her feelings.**
I am in full tilt freak out mode right now. Sitting at Panera with a soda, because the belly couldn’t possibly tolerate more. I had to drop BabyMan off for a visit with TummyMom for the first time in 24 days. I think that it was just too much time in between. It was enough time to ‘forget’ that he’s not really mine, to forget what we still have to go through to make him ours. To forget about how hard it is to ‘play the game’ with TummyMom. To forget that when it comes down to it… I don’t want to share. It’s like a piece of me is missing right now, and not just a small piece, a big huge honkin’ chunk! Not having LittleMan here with me makes it worse for me (but better for him, since visits are starting to stress him out). He’s a great distraction. Without him, there is too much time for my mind to wander. Too much time to ponder and dwell on the what-if’s. I can’t stand it. I have rationalized through every outcome at least ten times in just the past 12 hours. The paternity test is today, and even if these people are legitimately the family, they have clearly said they can’t and don’t want to parent. I should be relieved, but I’m not. What if they meet him and they change their mind? TummyMom doesn’t really feel like a threat at this point. I think it would take a miracle for her to get custody. But, ugh….the what-ifs.
And then I come back to this.
Worrying isn’t changing ANYTHING. It is just making me crazy. The bottom line is that this is not up to me. I have NO control at all. That’s a hard reality. What should not be such a hard reality, is that God already has this all figured out. Who the heck do I think I am to micro-manage or question or fear the creator of the Earth’s plan?! I feel so small. Ashamed that I doubt and question the one who has brought us to this place. Who has brought us this happiness. Who has taught us to love his children the way he loves us. What is wrong with me? I need to get rid of this fear and doubt….now. I need to go back to loving our sweet boys and taking just one day at a time, one step at a time. This crippling fear and anxiety need to somehow disappear and be replaced with hope and faith. I’m resolving to do that. I can’t promise I won’t trip and fail again, but for today, that’s my plan.
Letting go.
Letting go of the control I erroneously believe I have. Letting go of the fear. Letting go of the doubt.
I’m holding on tight to my snuggly, happy blue eyed bundle. I’m holding onto hope. And I’m holding onto the promise that God has a perfect plan.
48 Hours Later:
The paternal family is by NO means a threat. They are not interested or capable of parenting. No “changing of minds” occurred. That should be the end of dealing with that hurdle.
MINI Pooper 
How do you handle the situation with LittleMan? What do you tell him? Does he know/understand that BabyMan is not officially yours yet? Does he know there is risk? Or do you shield him from that?
As someone considering starting this process, and considering the foster system as our possible path, this is something that is weighing on my mind a lot. Would love to hear your take on how you handle it!
February 26, 2012 at 7:06 am
LittleMan does not know that BabyMan isn’t officially ours. I asked the supervisor at our agency for advice on this when we were bringing the baby home. She said that at his age it would be way too difficult of a concept for him to grasp. She also said that at this age telling him wouldn’t ‘prepare’ him if we lost the baby. Kids this little can’t prepare for emotional distress or loss. She equated it to the fact that we don’t tell our three year olds that “Great Grandma is old, she might go to heaven soon. We will miss her.” Same idea.
We have told him that BabyMan is in foster care, just like he was. We tell him that foster care means God gives you foster parents until he decides who your forever mommy and daddy should be. We tell him that he was in foster care before he came home. I don’t think he gets it, but we think it’s important to make the ‘lingo’ normal for him. He did pick up his doll the other day and say, “It’s ok baby, your in foster carin now, you don’t have to cry. So at least he os getting the positive message. Foster care isn’t scary or bad, it’s parents who love you. Ultimately, that’s why we thought it was so important for both of our children to share that piece of their story.
With all that said, I think he’s intuitive enough to know something, He will say things like, “I don’t want the ladies to take my baby away.” Honestly, my biggest fear of losing him is (aside from the obvious loss of a baby we love) dealing with poor LittleMan and the devastation that he would suffer. BUT, that fear obviously wasn’t enough to keep us from doing this. Ultimately, there is a good chance he will gain a beautiful gift from this…a forever brother. If not,he will learn what it is to love even when you stand the chance of being left broken. He will learn what it means to help another in a difficult time. He will learn that really nice, loving people are foster parents and he won’t have to fear the unknowns of his own story.
February 26, 2012 at 9:07 am
Wow, I can completely relate to the out of control feeling (I feel the same way about cycling…I do my best to prepare my body but once the embryo is transferred, there is not one thing I can do to affect the outcome, stressful as it is).
I am especially excited for the possibility that lies ahead. I can tell just how much like a family you already feel and my hope is that it stays that way 🙂
February 26, 2012 at 11:32 am
Thanks for the support!! Isn’t a lack of control the worst feeling?? Especially when you are as Type A as I am!!
February 27, 2012 at 2:56 am
ok, Here are is my ‘non-professional’ wisdom. We totally freaked out when Steph’s birthmother wanted another visit just 1 week before her rights were terminated. We freaked out when her birthfather wanted to meet her. Why shouldn’t we have those moments? It is what it is. You feel all of those emotions because you are a compasionate person and a wonderful mother. You feel them because you are living it all in the moment and in the day. If you didn’t feel then you would not have true love for him. Yes, you do not have the control of the final word but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have your moments of worry and freaking out. Yes, you feel like a wallflower while everyone else decides your fate. I think everyone has a time that they question their faith. We learn and grow stronger from winding roads placed before us. That is why adoptive children are so beautiful. I still have little memories of those days but I can’t seem to feel that pain any longer as so much time has passed and so many wonderful memories have replaced those awful feelings. Believe me, I still freak out over things for our children. Nothing to do with their adoptions but just because now they are growing and learning and making mistakes and I just love them so much that things just make me freak out. (in my own little internal way) It’s part of being a compasionate parent.
If planning to foster or adopt, you must know that the process just is what it is. Things are meant to be. Pray. Then pray again. Cry. Then cry again. It’s a difficult journey but worth every minute. Hold on to hope, dreams and keep loving him! See you soon.
February 26, 2012 at 2:27 pm
Thanks for the support Laura. Validating to know these feelings are ‘normal’. You are so right about the fact that it’s our job as parents to freak out. When this freak out is over, there will be a new reason. Just part of the job I guess. Truly appreciate your love, support and wisdom through this journey. Can’t wait to see you guys next week!!
February 27, 2012 at 2:55 am
In different context, but I really relate to those feelings. I think it’s a natural part of an uncertain situation that’s important and emotional, but I know how the what-ifs can creep in and sometimes that rational part just can’t talk them away for awhile. Thank you for sharing the thoughts, it helps to hear others have similar thoughts and reactions.
February 27, 2012 at 11:34 am
Just found you through a link on Mel’s giveaway post. I am SO glad you wrote this! My hubby and I are finally pursuing adoption (through foster care) after ten years ttc and several losses. I wonder how I will handle that “in between” time and am terrified of taking a placement, just to lose it. It’s reassuring to read your words and to know that, ultimately, the control is out of our hands.
Hugs,
Jo
February 29, 2012 at 8:54 pm
Hi Jo-
Thanks for posting!! I love hearing from people that read the blog, especially people in the ‘adoption world.’ So sorry to hear of your losses and struggles with IF. It is not an easy road. So happy that you have found a new way to build your family. Foster to adopt is NOT easy either, but it is SOOO worth it. And now, it’s not a matter of IF you have a child, it’s a matter of WHEN. I remember that being a very uplifting feeling for me when we started our journey. Would love to follow along as you walk this road. If you ever want to vent…. I’m all ears (or eyes)! Wishing you nothing but the best.
Sarah
March 6, 2012 at 8:43 pm