**This was written on Friday. It was therapeutic at the time. I decided to share it on here so that another foster mom might come along and tell me I’m not crazy. OR, maybe another foster mom will relate and feel validated for her feelings.**
I am in full tilt freak out mode right now. Sitting at Panera with a soda, because the belly couldn’t possibly tolerate more. I had to drop BabyMan off for a visit with TummyMom for the first time in 24 days. I think that it was just too much time in between. It was enough time to ‘forget’ that he’s not really mine, to forget what we still have to go through to make him ours. To forget about how hard it is to ‘play the game’ with TummyMom. To forget that when it comes down to it… I don’t want to share. It’s like a piece of me is missing right now, and not just a small piece, a big huge honkin’ chunk! Not having LittleMan here with me makes it worse for me (but better for him, since visits are starting to stress him out). He’s a great distraction. Without him, there is too much time for my mind to wander. Too much time to ponder and dwell on the what-if’s. I can’t stand it. I have rationalized through every outcome at least ten times in just the past 12 hours. The paternity test is today, and even if these people are legitimately the family, they have clearly said they can’t and don’t want to parent. I should be relieved, but I’m not. What if they meet him and they change their mind? TummyMom doesn’t really feel like a threat at this point. I think it would take a miracle for her to get custody. But, ugh….the what-ifs.
And then I come back to this.
Worrying isn’t changing ANYTHING. It is just making me crazy. The bottom line is that this is not up to me. I have NO control at all. That’s a hard reality. What should not be such a hard reality, is that God already has this all figured out. Who the heck do I think I am to micro-manage or question or fear the creator of the Earth’s plan?! I feel so small. Ashamed that I doubt and question the one who has brought us to this place. Who has brought us this happiness. Who has taught us to love his children the way he loves us. What is wrong with me? I need to get rid of this fear and doubt….now. I need to go back to loving our sweet boys and taking just one day at a time, one step at a time. This crippling fear and anxiety need to somehow disappear and be replaced with hope and faith. I’m resolving to do that. I can’t promise I won’t trip and fail again, but for today, that’s my plan.
Letting go of the control I erroneously believe I have. Letting go of the fear. Letting go of the doubt.
I’m holding on tight to my snuggly, happy blue eyed bundle. I’m holding onto hope. And I’m holding onto the promise that God has a perfect plan.
48 Hours Later:
The paternal family is by NO means a threat. They are not interested or capable of parenting. No “changing of minds” occurred. That should be the end of dealing with that hurdle.